When Shit Hits the Fan

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At the beginning of this year, Life threw me a curve-ball…no, a meteor. I received news that my father unexpectedly passed away. No warning, no good reason (he was in good health), just you know… that’s it. I flew home in a daze on an 18 hour flight, and within hours of landing was attending his funeral and performing the last rites.

When I finally returned home after being with my mother and family for a while, well it’s been a struggle. I came home feeling like I was walking into someone else’s life. Life has been turned upside down for me and the new “normal” doesn’t feel very normal as yet. Things are different – I still wake up at nights with images and memories and that’s probably going to take a while before it goes away. And it’s having its effect on my piano playing too.

Interestingly, I can’t play any of my old repertoire anymore. My brain just says NOPE. I can’t memorise new pieces either – yet another NO from my brain. So it’s a craptastic issue really for me. I hope my ability to play comes back soon because frankly, if I’m a pianist and can’t play I’m going to need to consider another profession. But I’m sure it’ll come back sooner or later. Preferably sooner.

Despite the choas that I’m having to deal with, certain parts of my life are coming back to make me feel more myself. I picked up an old piece from three years ago that I began but never finished …. so atleast I’m being able to play something. I took apart my old computer and rebuilt a new one, and finally logged into a game. I ran around on my gnome and lalafell a bit. I opened up twitter and sent my first tweet and who knows how long now. And here I am, blogging for the first in the last few months.

I’m currently spending more in Final Fantasy XIV than WoW at the moment, but I haven’t forgotten about my gnomish allegiance. I’m still looking forward to gnome hunters even though nothing in WoW is really making me want to play at the moment. And meanwhile in Final Fantasy XIV, I’m catching up with story time and everything else that I’ve missed doing this whole time.

For a while when I got back, I wasn’t sure if I would be playing or blogging again. A part of me  looked at everything before it all went to hell and felt like just walking away from everything I used to do. But, it’s nice for me to know that ultimately I returned to doing something I love and enjoy… even if it takes time.

Gaming and blogging are a part of who I am and I’m glad. I am the eccentric pianist, the reluctant cook, the overly-analytical-and-often-feisty blogger, the eternal tinkering magic-loving gnome, the shiny-loving lalafell who enjoys blowing things up. It’s a wonderful life.

(Cross-posted on my FFXIV blog: http://lenalilei.wordpress.com)

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